I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
