i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
