we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
