flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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