perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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