She's JV to your varsity
accomplished twins. life is a go
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
