hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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