I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i need some magic done to my vagina
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
