Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
