Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
