he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
