i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
