You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
i now understand why vodka
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
