I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
