Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
