Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
