if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
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A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
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Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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