Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
