She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
