Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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