I can text with my tongue
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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