My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
