i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
