My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
