do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
