The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
