Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
