now i know why i became what i already was.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
