The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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