My sheets look like a crime scene.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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