Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
