I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
