we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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