Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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