For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize