I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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