I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
