I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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