I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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