two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
