why didn't you poke me back
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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