He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
