I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
