PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
