when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
