I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I cut my penus on the lid.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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