There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
