You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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