How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
