I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
