So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
