I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
