Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
how does that bad decision feel?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
