a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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