im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
