Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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