The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
