I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
