I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
