...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
