Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I can't put those talents on a resume
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
