I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
