im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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